angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
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In Canada they just call them geese
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative