Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

hi why am I like this

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.