Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

he’s sick of your bullshit today

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

oh my god

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.