Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
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Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.