angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
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Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.