angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
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I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
dutch is not a serious language
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
get you a girl who
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”