angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
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Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”