Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

dream blunt rotation

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.