Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason