angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
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I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
Gross if literal…Liverpool
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I’m literally crying
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
just having fun
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?