Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

can’t bark with your mouth full

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.