angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
You Might Also Like
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
i can’t wait that long
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen