angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
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Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
journal
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train