angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
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[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.