angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
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Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before