angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Meow?
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*