Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

At a business meeting:

“How about SuperCupid?”

“No, expectations will be too high”

“GreatCupid?”

“Lower”

“Uhhh, OKCupid?”

“Brilliant”

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites