angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
You Might Also Like
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.