angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
Basketball
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus