Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
japanese corn
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
