Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
