Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no one ever comes back

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”

Going to work bro it’s Wednesday

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.