Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁

so much to do

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.