Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

what the hell girl, sure

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.