Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

Good for him.

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!