Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley