angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
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Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills