Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet