angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
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[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco