Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

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Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband: