angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
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I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
for all #parents out there
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.