angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
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[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.