Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”