Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.