Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

I drew y’all a little something.

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.