*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
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ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Risking my life for fun.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol