*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
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I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Breaking news:
A dad and his duck
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Me :
All Day At Night
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?