Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

Ghost costume 😂

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)