Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

We cut our bangs at dawn.

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches