Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

Take care of yourself, ladies

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

Parents: Are you eating well at school?

Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.