Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

good let them take over I have had enough

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.