[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
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“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26