[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
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One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Sometimes? I’m slipping
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.