[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
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Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Discuss
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)