Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]