[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
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You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.