Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
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In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Saturday
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE