Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.