Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
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“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
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If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?