Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
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Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
All. The. Damn. Time.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is