Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
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INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.