Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
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KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.