Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
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Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said