Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
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Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for