Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
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Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off