Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
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Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.