Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
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wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
i’m gonna allow it
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull