Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*