Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
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Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”