Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

do what now??

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

This squirrel eats better than I do

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Feels like there should be a middle ground