Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
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My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Breaking news:
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?