Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
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Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming