Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

Asking me “what are you wearing” at night will never work out the way you want it to unless you’ve been aching to hear the words “Def Leppard pajamas”.

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

the answer was staring at me all along

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

This story is comedy gold 😂

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.