Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

this chia pet tastes awful

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip