angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
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Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
There is no “we” in pizza
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”