Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok this is my dumbest yet

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

Lucky old June.

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.