angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
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Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
work smarter, not harder
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?