angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
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[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Okay, I’m still confused…
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.