Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
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I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
😜
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
sometimes we need to be reminded
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
seriously you guys
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys