Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

I’m so full I could puke a horse

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

There is no “ea” in Tim.

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.

Sign at work today

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.