Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
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me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.