Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
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“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Bro what is this
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
