Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
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Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
You sure about that?
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.