ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
What the hell happened in there??
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
