ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

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I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.



me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?


4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there


My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.


Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.


Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.


“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”


Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?