@DaddyJew
Apparently when your boss asks if you’re on drugs “which drugs?” isn’t the appropriate response. I know this now.
@msalicenutting
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
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@DaddyJew
@jus4golf
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
@_Tempo11
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
@pplwtching
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
@Ideal_Victoria
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
@prozdkp
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
@Amusitr0n
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
@Koogslaw
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
@m0mjawn
took the kids to the park so they could beat each other up in the fresh air
@noduffers
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.