Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
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I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?