ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
