Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks