[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
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Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?