[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
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“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen