Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

Anyone want a chair?

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.