[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
You Might Also Like
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Leaving the Barbers like
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move