[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
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I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?